A Goodbye Letter.

I'm starting this year off right.  Last night I wrote a letter to a former friend.  A friend that, at one time, I was very close to.  I confided in her about my hopes, my dreams, my joy, my sorrow and my heartbreak.  I planned special events for her celebrating new and exciting things in her life and I was a shoulder to cry on through her difficulties.  I'm not a perfect person by any means.  I make mistakes just like anyone else.  But all in all, I was a good friend.  A damn good one.  Unfortunately, it seemed more often than not, my feelings and gestures were not returned.  Things were all well and good when she was the center of attention.  As soon as the attention was off her an ugly side came out.  One day, without warning, she just decided she didn't want to be friends anymore.  I didn't see it coming.  However, the purpose of this entry is not to bash her or to focus on the negative.  The purpose is merely to reflect on a part of my life that I have finally been able to close.  I'd rather reflect on this as a positive when it is so easy to focus only on the negative.

My energy healer says that everyone we come in contact with we have a "contract" with.  In some way, big or small, everyone we meet has a purpose for our lives.  This contract is not always lifelong.  Sometimes these people are meant to teach us a lesson.  Sometimes they help us to get to know ourselves better.  Sometimes they teach us qualities that we also want to possess and other times they teach us qualities that we don't.  Sometimes they bring a person into our lives that changes us forever.  Sometimes they enhance our lives and other times they detract from it.  Whatever their purpose know that there is a purpose.  And not all of these purposes are going to involve sunshine and butterflies.  These people force us to face truths and make choices - and many of them are not easy.  But the important part of all of this is that, if we are able to look within ourselves and strive for our own happiness, we will come out stronger on the other side.  This person did that for me.

The difficult part of all this is that I allowed all of the negative feelings and resentment I was harboring for her to take over my life for almost an entire year!  Any time her name would come up in conversation or I would see a picture of her the anger would get so intense I just wanted to hit something!  Enough was enough!  Another thing you must realize - and I believe this wholeheartedly - no one can make you feel anything.  The anger and resentment I began to feel for this person  gave her all the power in my life.  It wasn't hurting her it was only hurting me!  Why was I allowing this to happen?  The only answer I could think of was that I never had closure.  She made her feelings perfectly clear by cutting me out of her life.  Mind you, she didn't have the decency to do this to my face or even over the phone.  I just sort of "found out".  I, on the other hand, never got the chance to "say my piece" so to speak.  After all I had given to our friendship I was, quite honestly, devastated.  But not devastated because I lost her - devastated because I allowed myself to feel like a failure because of her actions.  I allowed it.  No one else.  So, what was my turning point?

My husband and I are preparing to start our family.  Without going into too much detail (hubby is still feeling pretty low about the whole thing) we are going to need a great deal of help to do so.  This triggered those feelings of anger and resentment that I had been feeling for this person for quite some time.  I spent countless hours crying and yelling and screaming and, quite frankly, wanting to rip her head off.  I'm not holding anything back here, friends - I have been pissed.  But again, my feelings in no way affect her.  I quickly realized through discussions with friends, coworkers and hubby that the only person my feelings were hurting was me!  That's when I decided it was time to sit down and write a letter.  Negative feelings are toxic and if I wanted to make way for a new little blessing in our lives I had to rid mind, body and spirit of all the negativity I was holding on to.

In my letter I poured my feelings out to her.  I told her how much I was hurting due to her actions.  I told her how I felt neglected and abandoned and like I never mattered to her.  I told her how I felt like the only person who ever mattered was her and that, whenever I was going through a difficult time, she didn't really seem to care.  Or rather, she pretended to but really didn't.  I reminded her of how much time I had spent being there for her in every way I could think of and how I felt as though she rarely, if ever, returned the favor.  It went on and on like this for 5 1/2 pages.  I just completely unloaded.  But at the very end, on the very last page or so, I acknowledged her place in my life.  I acknowledged what I had learned from our friendship.  I acknowledged the positive changes I had made in my life because of knowing her.  And, in my very last paragraph I wished her much happiness, success and fulfillment.  My one wish for her is that she had learned something from our friendship that she could take with her in life.  And then I simply ended it by writing, "Have a nice life.  Jenna."

This morning, after reading it through one last time, I made the conscious decision to burn the letter.  I didn't want to remember all the anger and resentment.  I didn't want to reread how hurt I felt, or jealous, or angry.  I just simply wanted to remember that I had closed that chapter in my life.  Game over.  The end.

Now I look towards an amazing 2014!  Amazing husband, family and friends.  Finishing my BSN.  Receiving my degree.  Becoming more immersed in my career as a cardiac nurse and refining my skills.  Watching my Arbonne business thrive and grow and create extra income for us.  And, hopefully, welcoming a little bundle of joy into our family.  Only good things from here!  Remember the power of positive thinking and that, with our thoughts, we can make our dreams a reality!  Cheers!